Thank you, Lilly Anne.

Taken in Greely, Colorado.  To show a boy what he was missing! :)  Go Mom! The boy wasn't Dad by the way.  Glad Dad knew a good thing when he saw it!

Visiting her brother Jim, in Greely, Colorado

The wisdom of someone who has walked the road you are walking is invaluable.  A good friend from college stopped by to visit today.  She lost her father to cancer about a year and half ago.  A hug from a friend who knows what you are going through is very comforting.  My friend brought her daughter with her.  Lilly Anne is just over a year old, and so full of life!  A very sweet calm spirit she was a joy to have around and Mom loved every minute.  Lilly would run around Mom's chair, when she got around the back she would peek at Mom and exclaim something in a language only babies and mothers understand.  The joy and wonder of a young one is so contagious.

It's hard for people to offer comfort these days, no one seems to know what to say when you are just waiting for the inevitable.  They search for words but the usual "everything will be OK", "this too shall pass" are not applicable here.  When Mom and I talk she says " I have nothing to look forward to", and we talk about heaven but she is right, it's all down hill from here.  We are waiting.  As time goes on, less is said, words aren't as important as a hug, or a squeeze of the hand.

Graduation Picture

Another thing I have noticed is how so much of social life, family life revolves around food.  Mom can't eat anything, only liquids, and even those don't stay down lately.  But she is still hungry.  While preparing for my trip down here I was thinking of things we could do as a family.  Going to my favorite Chinese food restaurant, is out of the question.  People come to visit and want to bring a casserole.  Dad and I cooked some dinner the other night but it's unfair to Mom.  It was tacos her favorite, and it made her stomach growl.

Mom is getting weaker, she needs a walker to walk now and Hospice will be delivering a hospital bed tomorrow.  Sleeping lying down is too painful now, all the pressure from the tumor rests on her stomach and intestines.  She sleeps more through out the day.  She drinks less.  And all the while the physical body is starting to shut down, her brain, her speech, her laughter is still the same.  It's an odd blessing to still be so mentally alert, it's hard to accept she is dying when she sounds the same as she always has.

We have a board in our hallway that is filled with messages from Mom's loved ones, words of encouragement and love and farewells.  Notes just for her.  I know not everyone will be able to see Mom before she goes, so if you would like to send a message for her to me,  I would be happy to add your message to our board.

"Here she comes!"

"  I am standing upon the seashore.  A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean.  She is an object of beauty and strength.  I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says:  "There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight.  That is all.  She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear the load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her.  And just at the moment when someone at my side says:  "There she is gone!"  There are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take the glad shout:  "Here she comes!"

And that is dying."

- Henry Van Dyke

"There are many rooms in my Father's house; I would not tell you this were it not true.  I am going there to prepare a place for you.  After I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me so that you may be where I am. John 14: 2-3

Note the promise of Jesus.  "I will come back and take you to be with me."  He pledges to take us home. He does not delegate this task.  He may send missionaries to teach you, angels to protect you, teachers to guide you, singers to inspire you and physicians to heal you, but he sends no one to take you.  He reserves this job for himself.  " I will come back and take you home." He is your personal Shepherd.  And he is personally responsible to lead you home.  And because He is present when any of His sheep die, you can say what David said "I will fear no evil."

-Max Lucado "Traveling Light"

Thankfulness

There is nothing I regret when it comes to my mother.  She always loved me and still does, I always knew she was proud of me, I always knew she cared.  My mom is the best person to give a gift to, even if it is the tiniest, worthless thing, it is a treasure to my Mom and it shows all over her face every time how much she loves anything you give her.  Mom is grateful for things and more over thankful for the littlest things her children or anyone does for her, and her face lights up with pleasure.  She can't do as much, so we sit and watch TV together, or read.  I hold her hand as I sit in the chair next to hers, her hand twitches involuntarily at times but every once in awhile I squeeze her hand and she squeezes mine back tightly.  It's little things like holding her hand that makes her happy, and I know it.

Who am I going to ask my questions to?  Little things about temperatures for cooking?  Bigger things about children, and husbands.  I know logically, there will be others with knowledge to share, I can always find an answer.  But they are not HER answers, they are not HER thoughts.

A First Try

Another day, another John Wayne movie.  Last night it was The War Wagon and today it's The Horse Soldiers.  How many John Wayne movies were made anyway?  Mom is doing OK today, she slept well, but had a little pain.  If she dreamt she doesn't remember it.  This morning the snow arrived and then promptly melted.  Dad and I set up a chair on the porch and she came outside to watch the big snow flakes come down.  It was very hard to say "Goodbye" yesterday, and even harder I imagine for those who had to say it.  It was a wonderful time of fellowship with the family gathered, Mom had both her children with her again, and it really brightened her spirit.  So many laughs and memories were shared.  After everyone had left Mom was able to read the notes written to her, each word written with so much love, touched her deeply.  It's more quiet here now, and not so much laughter ah but John Wayne helps us soldier on. :)