Patty

 People are very kind.  The outpouring of well wishes and flowers has been encouraging, and strengthening in a way.  It's nice to see the creativity of people in situations like this, times when the usual comfort food is not as appropriate.  Thank you everyone who has sent flowers, cards and messages for Mom.  Mom loves them all, as well my Father has been overwhelmed by the kindness' shown.

 My Mom has been visiting Patty for 20 or more years now.  Patty is Mom's hair dresser.  Patty is fiery, she's all kinds of sass rolled up in one person.  She is a love and a blessing.  Dad called Patty to bring her up to date on Mom.  Patty said she was coming over to do Mom's hair no ifs or buts about it.  She arrived with in 30 minutes from the phone call, tools in hand and took charge.  We got Mom sitting up in a chair and she asked what Mom wanted to do with her hair.  Mom was very decisive and said she wanted it cut and styled like an old picture that was taken years ago when she was 21.  Patty was very quick and the hair started falling to the floor. 

It's amazing what a new hair cut can do for your outlook.  Thank you Patty, you are an angel in every way possible. 

"That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.  So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!" 
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Day of Rest

This morning I wanted to go home.  I miss my home in Canada.  I miss my husband so much more.    I call my wonderful and supportive husband and cry into the phone "I waaaaaaant to come hooooooooome....." or something to that effect.  Devon reminds me that while it's my decision and he will support me, I would regret leaving.  Later that morning I talked to Jerry as well and he reiterated what Dev said, Jerry also suggested I take a break, go to a movie or drive to the beach. 

So I took a break!
I took a nap and then went to the spa!  I got a facial, manicure and pedicure, had my eyebrows waxed and my hair done. 
Thanks for the advice guys!  I had a very relaxing day. :)

Jerry Dale

How is a hospital gown like insurance?
You´re never covered as much as you think you are. :)

M.J. the physical therapist told that joke to us. 

Most of you know Mom is dying, but not every one knows the details.   It was a week ago on Mon 2/21 that the doctors stopped giving mom nutrition (artificially through the tubes).   Mom and Dad made the decision to stop the artificial nutrition and leave the number of days she has to live in God's hands.  Mom is tired of doctor's appointments, chemo, artificial hydration and the works.  I respect her decision to live out her days as she sees fit.  The cancer has moved from breast, to liver, to bile duct and finally now her stomach and small intestines.  They found food in her stomach that had been there for weeks and found her body is no longer efficiently digesting food so she is not able to eat any food, just fluids, and even those she throws up.  Cancer is the cause but officially she will die of dehydration.  The doctors say it's a humane way to die, because you just fade away.

Mom and I are very different.  Dad and I are more alike, maybe that's why we butt heads so often.  Jerry Dale on the other hand is very much like Mom.  Now I'm not saying Mom loves Jerry more than me, but I suspect maybe just a little.  It's alright he's very easy to love.  Mom and Jerry have always been the peace makers in the family.

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God." Matthew 5:9

It is very difficult to impart how much I love my brother as well.  He's a calm place in a storm, he's like my Dad a lot.  A strong place to rest, capable and knowledgeable.  But he's also very much like my Mother, tender and very soft hearted.  Having both Jerry and I, well actually all four of us (Mom considers all of us her kids, Becca and Devon included) back home was a blessing to Mom.  She had her family around her.  It was a blessing to me as well, living in Canada I had forgotten how much I love Jerry and Becca, and miss them.

Saying goodbye to Jerry and Becca last Wednesday was one of the harder things to do, I can't imagine being Jerry, having to say goodbye to Mom and know it was the last time he would probably see her alive.  People say I am strong for staying with my parents, but I think it is much harder to have to go.  Jerry Dale is Mom's baby she and I laughed while getting her back into her bed I said that if Jerry were here he would probably crawl on to the small hospital bed to hug her. (Jerry is a big guy too!) I have seen Jerry wrap his arms around Mom and hug her off the ground.  Yes, Jerry is very much like Dad, strong.  He is very much like Mom, soft.  He's the best of both worlds wrapped up in a crazy sense of humor, we love you very much Jer and miss you every hour.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."  Matthew 5:4

A Twin Bed

Engagement Photo

We had a hospital bed delivered today.  It's really helpful, it elevates up and down and you can raise the head or feet.  As Mom is more and more dehydrated her body is retaining water, and her legs and feet are very swollen.  Being able to put her feet up will help with the swelling.

The only downside thus far is that it's a twin bed, room for only one...

Wedding December 27,1969

I imagine you could count on one hand the number of times Mom and Dad have slept apart.  Dad never had to travel for work, and pretty much where Dad went, Mom went.  This is the first in a long line of things that Dad will have to get "used to" doing alone.  After 41 years of marriage how do you get "used to" doing anything alone?  How do you say goodbye to the other half of yourself?  Mom and Dad have a deep love for each other.  More deep than I realize I believe.  There was never any question that Mom and Dad were a united front, never even a question of divorce.  There is loyalty there, there is security in their union.  There is a wonderful devotion and example of what a marriage should be, truly fulfilling their vows to each other "till death do us part"

My heart aches for my Father.  As hard as it is for Jerry and I to lose our Mother, it's immensely worse for my Dad.  Please remember him especially in your prayers.

Thank you, Lilly Anne.

Taken in Greely, Colorado.  To show a boy what he was missing! :)  Go Mom! The boy wasn't Dad by the way.  Glad Dad knew a good thing when he saw it!

Visiting her brother Jim, in Greely, Colorado

The wisdom of someone who has walked the road you are walking is invaluable.  A good friend from college stopped by to visit today.  She lost her father to cancer about a year and half ago.  A hug from a friend who knows what you are going through is very comforting.  My friend brought her daughter with her.  Lilly Anne is just over a year old, and so full of life!  A very sweet calm spirit she was a joy to have around and Mom loved every minute.  Lilly would run around Mom's chair, when she got around the back she would peek at Mom and exclaim something in a language only babies and mothers understand.  The joy and wonder of a young one is so contagious.

It's hard for people to offer comfort these days, no one seems to know what to say when you are just waiting for the inevitable.  They search for words but the usual "everything will be OK", "this too shall pass" are not applicable here.  When Mom and I talk she says " I have nothing to look forward to", and we talk about heaven but she is right, it's all down hill from here.  We are waiting.  As time goes on, less is said, words aren't as important as a hug, or a squeeze of the hand.

Graduation Picture

Another thing I have noticed is how so much of social life, family life revolves around food.  Mom can't eat anything, only liquids, and even those don't stay down lately.  But she is still hungry.  While preparing for my trip down here I was thinking of things we could do as a family.  Going to my favorite Chinese food restaurant, is out of the question.  People come to visit and want to bring a casserole.  Dad and I cooked some dinner the other night but it's unfair to Mom.  It was tacos her favorite, and it made her stomach growl.

Mom is getting weaker, she needs a walker to walk now and Hospice will be delivering a hospital bed tomorrow.  Sleeping lying down is too painful now, all the pressure from the tumor rests on her stomach and intestines.  She sleeps more through out the day.  She drinks less.  And all the while the physical body is starting to shut down, her brain, her speech, her laughter is still the same.  It's an odd blessing to still be so mentally alert, it's hard to accept she is dying when she sounds the same as she always has.

We have a board in our hallway that is filled with messages from Mom's loved ones, words of encouragement and love and farewells.  Notes just for her.  I know not everyone will be able to see Mom before she goes, so if you would like to send a message for her to me,  I would be happy to add your message to our board.

"Here she comes!"

"  I am standing upon the seashore.  A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean.  She is an object of beauty and strength.  I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says:  "There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight.  That is all.  She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear the load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her.  And just at the moment when someone at my side says:  "There she is gone!"  There are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take the glad shout:  "Here she comes!"

And that is dying."

- Henry Van Dyke

"There are many rooms in my Father's house; I would not tell you this were it not true.  I am going there to prepare a place for you.  After I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me so that you may be where I am. John 14: 2-3

Note the promise of Jesus.  "I will come back and take you to be with me."  He pledges to take us home. He does not delegate this task.  He may send missionaries to teach you, angels to protect you, teachers to guide you, singers to inspire you and physicians to heal you, but he sends no one to take you.  He reserves this job for himself.  " I will come back and take you home." He is your personal Shepherd.  And he is personally responsible to lead you home.  And because He is present when any of His sheep die, you can say what David said "I will fear no evil."

-Max Lucado "Traveling Light"

Thankfulness

There is nothing I regret when it comes to my mother.  She always loved me and still does, I always knew she was proud of me, I always knew she cared.  My mom is the best person to give a gift to, even if it is the tiniest, worthless thing, it is a treasure to my Mom and it shows all over her face every time how much she loves anything you give her.  Mom is grateful for things and more over thankful for the littlest things her children or anyone does for her, and her face lights up with pleasure.  She can't do as much, so we sit and watch TV together, or read.  I hold her hand as I sit in the chair next to hers, her hand twitches involuntarily at times but every once in awhile I squeeze her hand and she squeezes mine back tightly.  It's little things like holding her hand that makes her happy, and I know it.

Who am I going to ask my questions to?  Little things about temperatures for cooking?  Bigger things about children, and husbands.  I know logically, there will be others with knowledge to share, I can always find an answer.  But they are not HER answers, they are not HER thoughts.